eunoia🪐

I've made a house in myself, It's so big that it's suffocating Because it's not empty, but full of it The grief that I have collected I'm trying to make room  Maybe ink it onto paper with pen But its slippery and overflows Painting all and my hands in vain And I look around myself Sitting in that poodle of blood But its all blue and all mine So I just cry and try to tuck I soak it in my blanket And wear it all around me Its so warm but so so cold I breathe but its choking So heavy I should take it off But I lay down and shut my eye Because it's all blue and all mine  I pray for it all to be fine Dreaming of when I wake up It'll be gone and I'll be me With my nails clean and no glue Sticking to my bones or skin

There is an angry man with thick furrowed brows, he spits his words out as if he can't swallow them whole, "there are bees ' he says that lives under his flesh, they beg him for release but he shuts them up instead, thumping his hand on table it flashes an angry red, he yells so loudly I smell beer on his breath, he smiles sometimes that's when I like him the best , I wish he'd stop smoking drowning in cigar stench, I wanted to understand him so I slapped my hand on the bench, I think I felt it then, bees buzzing in my fists clenched He hit me once, I fell it blossomed on my skin, the red, I just look at him and say "Father, those bees got in my leg"

Sometimes, I visit the past haunted by the people who lived there once, I know there lived a little girl, she stretched her limbs and stood with the adults, tell her to close the books and loosen her tie, get the toys she have hidden from eyes, there is a diary kept where she spilled her grief, put it on fire remind her to breathe, tell her fairies are real Santa visits on Christmas eve, the adults are no fun they call her naive, I wish to apologize I wish to forgive I wish to give those years back, so she could live but I can't so I watch and weep as she gambles her childhood when she was just a damned kid.

To be respected is to entertain, put on a good show and they shall remain, master the script print it in veins, so your body moves before does your brain, how you do that? they say just smile and stand tall, blood caked in your creases keep it hidden from all, command the wind lights focused on, seats are empty when should I stop? they have kind faces but they feast on your fear, always hungry for more those proud musketeers, nights doesn't end never comes the dawn, but applause doesn't wait the show must go on.

I  can pick your sound in a room full of noise, force my feet to turn when I hear your voice, I still see you from afar like a shining bright sun, but even icarus couldn't fly after his wings burned, I despise your smile or  dimples poking out, clenching my fists leting my chest pound, do you search for me? when I turn my head away, if I look in your eyes maybe I'll want to stay, shall I take a leap of faith? will you hold me this time? maybe we're those ships that cross once in a while, eternal are not people only stories remain, perhaps not in this life but I'll find you again, if the fate persists we'll set it on flames, warm soaking into bones dance in a hurricane.

 stalking up the streets of every city and town, trying to find my name somewhere written on a house, shall I dive to the bottom? grow a pair of gills, shall I leap out of bounds? sprout a pair of wings, build a burrow under sand rummage through a nest, hide into a cave or cry in my mother's chest, does it even exist? a place called home, perhaps in the heavens mirage of some sorts, stuck into a labyrinth so many different roads, expanding my lungs I peep into my own, there under my ribs I found a nomad's soul, living a little everywhere roaming happily alone.